Jane Eyre vs Jane Austen

I've just watched Jane Eyre (the new one). It was really beautifully acted and produced. There was so much truth about it, depth and pain and longing. Overcoming. Grace. The infinite and epic nature of love. And despite the melodramatic plot, the immaturity of the story teller's voice (Charlotte Bronte), it's a great story.

Jane Eyre vs Pride and Prejudice: what a contrast! Both are stories of young women, just come of age, looking to live and love ... But Jane is utterly unencumbered by materialism, whereas Lizzie's highest values are grounded in materialism. I find Pride and Prejudice rather too sugary/frivolous for my tastes. It's not that I don't enjoy frivolity (as you know?) ... far from it ... But I like frivolity to stay in its place and not parade as something that it's not, something more substantial.

Maybe it wasn't the best idea to watch Jane Eyre after midnight tonight. Consequently, I'm going to have to forego spinning in the morning. But I wanted to treat myself to a movie as I've worked hard all day and it's Mothering Sunday tomorrow and I've been feeling sorry for myself, as KO isn't with me, and there is nobody to congratulate me this weekend for being such a fantastic mum. I feel sad about that.

White Boards Are Amazing

I've bought a white board. Not just any old white board though. Before I bought it, I was describing to D what kind of thing I wanted. I said, "What I need is a magnetic board that I can also write on, like a white board ..." And he said, "A magnetic white board? I've got one of those. They sell those."

It blew me away. I couldn't believe that someone had thought of exactly what I needed.

I put up my white board recently. Here's a photo of it, taken tonight. It's got some little coloured magnets on it.



Very soon, maybe even tomorrow, I am going to start constructing (on the amazing magnetic white board) my master plan to take over the world of pop music. I'd like to be bigger than Adele. And that's what I shall aim for.

Wish me luck? :-)

In other news, today happens to be the birthday of my first ever boyfriend, whom I dated when I was 16. I don't really do the Hollywood Rom Com thing, and long to connect with my past flames. He was an awesome first boyfriend, and a truly good friend for quite awhile after we stopped dating. But that was a long time ago. I reckon we wouldn't make a good couple at all, now. But friends? Yes, we could be good friends I think.

My past changes me and enables me to make different (and better) decisions as I move forward ... For that I'm grateful.

Glennon Melton: "Don't Carpe Diem"

I read this article today and it actually made me almost cry a bit.

I love how she differentiates between Kairos moments and Chronos moments. How she talks about the hardness of the day-to-day with young children. And about how magic breaks into the confines of daily drudgery, dwells in moments in one's life that transcend time, and remind us of something bigger, greater, heavenly. Heaven is among us.

Thank you Glennon. Your projection of what you would say to a younger mama, in the future, is priceless. I particularly enjoyed that. I'll quote it here:

"It's helluva hard, isn't it? You're a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She's my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime." And hopefully, every once in a while, I'll add -- "Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up -- I'll have them bring your groceries out."

This blog is not dead.

Like the Mary Ellen Carter it will rise again.

This year I've got just a few little New Year's resolutions. I'm going to sort out my life. Get organised. Kick some Chaos butt.

Yeah!!!

Happy 2012!

Back home across the deep blue sea ...

KO and I have returned from Toronto a bit the worse for wear: sniffly, run down, tired, bleary-eyed. That was four days ago.

Here is a photo of me and the boy at the reception. The dress was a last minute buy. My sis-in-law-to-be and I were shopping at BCBG and it caught my attention. I tried it on and thought, "I love this dress. I'm going to buy it and wear it to the wedding." In hindsight, I think the BCBG dressing room mirrors are doctored to somehow give a more flattering reflection. It's a nice enough dress, but not as gorgeous as I thought when I tried it on.

Home was in utter chaos when we arrived. There was a mouldy apple on the living room rug. And three weeks away had taken its toll on my bank balance which is heavily reliant on daily deposits from ebay sales (which were frozen while I was in Canada). So I did what any sensible person would do. I took all the remaining funds available to me (in my overdraft) and invested it in the stock exchange (Norilsk Nickel shares). There's a corporate buy back offer on the shares which I'm hoping to take up next week. I hope it works.

So my (rather large) overdraft is maxed out, my ebay business is slowly starting to move again, home is still in a state of disarray, and I'm still sick.

On the bright side, I went to the Leeds Community Clothing Exchange today with a few lovely friends and quite a large group of strangers whom my lovely friends invited. I picked up some incredibly funky new dresses for almost free (it's £2 entry) and got rid of some clothing I didn't want.

Other than that, as my friend Daniel might say, "Nothing else to report." Except for a video interview coming soon on the Cantos Music Foundation blog. It's going live in just over a week, yay! I think this is officially the first bit of media feedback/coverage on Prime, so far!!

Yes.

Prime.

Out 5th December 2011.

Always reflecting on what has passed ...

I'm in my middle years. I feel like I've got a lot of years ahead of me still, but I feel like so many lifetimes have happened already too. It's kind of an amazing place to be. And the phrase "it's all downhill from here" suddenly comes to mind accompanied with the image of the view from the Otley Chevin.

And it seems to me incredibly apt that the Chevin was the location for my album photoshoot, and that my album is called "prime" though that word doesn't occur in the album anywhere else. Not even once in a single song, out of the 17 songs on the album. I didn't actually go through a conscious thought process to arrive at the decision of what to call my album. Like most significant/important decisions I make, it just came to me, in what seemed like a flash. One minute I was thinking of all sorts of random things, the next minute I knew my album was going to be called "prime". And heaven only knew why.

So here I am, as far in as I am out. I can see a long way in every direction. And it makes me feel sad and thoughtful and grateful, and full of so many thoughts and feelings and life.

I feel strong and so vulnerable too. Here at the summit of my life, which has turned out to be so different from how I imagined. It has turned out better, I think. But sadder too. Not that the sadness makes it better. Those two things are definitely not to be confused.

Okay I think I'll go now and spend some time being sad, not here.

Uh-oh. Procrastinating again.

I've got a lot of admin to do for the album launch and I've been putting it off all weekend. Now it's 9.30pm on Sunday, and I still haven't started ... This is not good. But I *am* going to start tonight (even if I don't finish). At times like these I wish I had a PA. Or even a business partner. Or a friend willing to sit with me to help me keep focussed on work ... Hmmm ...

Anyway, here's a recent pic of my darling boy. Pic taken after a day of playing at the park/abbey. He got very grubby, and I changed him into a clean set of clothes and took the rare opportunity to get photos of him CLEAN. He wasn't too impressed. Then we dropped by the fun fair by the car park, and he was pretty chuffed to go on a merry-go-round with vehicles on it. He told me intently, "I want to go on the GREEN MOTORBIKE!!"

He was very serious about riding the motorbike, but obligingly smiled when I asked. I guess he reckoned that he owed me :-)

Singing Like a Little Girl

I'm just listening to my album tracks now, trying to work out an order. Normally I don't even have to think about putting together a set list. It's like putting a simple puzzle together, I just snap the songs into place ... begin with this one, end with that one, certain songs lead nicely into other ones, and soon the list is done. But tonight I haven't got any sense of clear instinct. I've just been trying putting different songs against one another, seeing if they fit together, listening to ends and beginnings of songs. I suppose this will get the job done, eventually. It's just a rather slow way to go about it, since I've got 66 minutes worth of music on the album!!!

Yep, you heard me right. Sixty-six minutes.

I've just listened to Ahava's Song, which at the moment, I'm thinking will be the second song on the album. Four years ago, when I got back from Calgary with the tracks mostly finished, I emailed Jane Siberry the song, and asked her what she thought. And here's what she said:

"I like your face, your name, the letter you wrote to me. But, I don't respond to a certain 'little girlness' that I hear so often. A coyness, preciousness. I have had it myself and it was part of learning about myself. Behind it all, I hear a clearer voice that isn't hiding, that isn't smiling so much, that has a lot to say and not much time. I would find that deeper part of you a joy to hear."

I wasn't sure what she meant then, and four years on, I still don't know. Listening to the songs again now, I just hear my voice ... it just sounds like me ... just expressing what I'm thinking ... things I've written. A 'little girliness' ... hmmm.

But I like her idea of "a clearer voice that isn't hiding, that isn't smiling so much, that has a lot to say and not much time". A beautiful idea.

I do often smile when I sing. But I often smile when I'm communicating ... because things often seem funny to me. Including things that I write. Like in my song "Away From Me" which begins "When you're away from me ........... you're never with me!" Even when I'm serious, a part of me is often joking. It's just the way I am. That's the smiling bit. And as for 'little girliness', I've been cursed or blessed with often sounding/looking like a little girl, completely unintentionally. Partly it's because I'm not very tall. But partly, it's just genetics, I think?! I wonder if Jane is talking about something about how I look/sound which is unintentional and largely unalterable??

Anyway, if you have any idea what the lovely Jane Siberry was referring to, please let me know!! Perhaps I just need to learn more about myself ...

An escritoire, pen, paper, and leisure time

When I was younger, I used to fantasize about a future where I'd have an airy bright house, somewhere beautiful, with an escritoire by a window with a view ... And in this fantasy, I had loads of leisure time, and I would write letters with my favourite pens, on beautiful stationery, to my loved ones all around the country and worldwide.

Why a part of me longs to be a Victorian lady is beyond me! Probably something to do with what I read as a child.

But thinking about it now, this picture incorporates so many of my deep heart-desires. The desire to be free, not to feel rushed. My love of stationery, the pleasure of forming letters and words across lovely paper, using a pen that I enjoy. My general abhorrence of domestic chores, cooking, cleaning, tidying, organising, gardening (in my picture, those things are all beautifully handled by servants). My love of correspondence, of writing and receiving letters. My longing for peaceful surroundings ... countryside ...

In a way, with the prevalence of the internet and email, corresponding with loved ones across the miles has become incredibly convenient. Instead of an escritoire, I've got a laptop. I can write to anyone, almost anywhere, any time. But somehow, that makes me busier, not more at leisure. And there's still a sad lack of servants around my house!

Never mind ... I've got other dreams to actualize ... onwards and upwards!

And for your enjoyment, here's a pic of my boy's toes; such lovely toes!

Careers Day

I wish someone had spoken about psychotherapy at careers day. If I'd known such a job existed when I was younger, I'd probably have a very different life now. I'd be like Paul in In Treatment. Except not so troubled, hopefully. And not sued for malpractice.

I've have an office somewhere, probably in West Vancouver, with a sofa and a couple of armchairs, and a whole load of bookcases full of fiction and non-fiction. Skylights, soft thick carpets, big windows, panoramic views of the sea and mountains. And I'd have patients. People who'd come to me needing a bit of gentle challenging and perceptive listening to help them uncover and work through their issues. Wouldn't that be fun.

I suppose I could train to be a psychotherapist now. But I think I'll stick with the music and see how that pans out first. Re-training for a whole new career at this point in my life seems less appealing than being a pop star.

Thoughts on morality after midnight ...

Somewhere in my DNA is a little switch that gets activated at around midnight every night ... and the switch makes me want to write. And write. And write.

It's like each day thoughts are dripping into me like water from a leaky tap, and by night time, I've got to tip myself over and pour them all out, like the infamous little teapot. Except in my case, I don't shout for someone else to do it. I take responsibility for myself, dammit! Why can't everyone else do that?

These days I think about various preconceptions I've had since I was little about who I am. The books I read as a child, steeped in moral lessons, led me to believe that somehow I am a genuinely "nice person". They were sneaky, subversive. They drew me in to empathise with "nice" characters, and to recoil from the not-so-nice ones. I don't know if I believe any more, that such a thing as a "nice person" exists. And if it does, I am beginning to seriously doubt that I could be labelled as such.

But whatever the case may be, I am still utterly besotted with my darling wonder of a child. He's in Mozambique at the moment, but here are some pics from the YSP a couple of weeks ago. Enjoy!

recent music video (Haven't Got)

Decluttering My Mind

It seems as I get older, I get busier. Well, that's not exactly true. I feel busier, like I have less free time. I don't think that I'm actually any busier now than when I was a teen. I mean, I waste just as much time now as I ever did. The difference is my perception of time.

Time somehow accelerates as one grows older. Each year of childhood seemed to last. On and on and on. My teen years rolled along, slightly more briskly, but still took up a substantial chunk of time, making 21 seem like a huge milestone. My 20's zipped along more briskly still, each year catching me a bit by surprise with how quickly it had passed. And now it seems like if I blink, a week, a month, a quarter, a year will be gone.

I don't think this phenomenon of time seeming to accelerate as one ages is unique to me. And I think it's partly due to simple relativity (as one gets older, a day/month/year becomes a smaller fraction of one's lifetime already lived, so naturally each year seems shorter than the last), but I think it's also related to the way one accumulates memories and experience.

I mean, live in one place long enough, and you'll accumulate loads of stuff. And the more one accumulates, the smaller the place seems.

It's like that. I think we humans have a bad habit of accumulating mental clutter, just like household clutter. And the older we get, the more our mental clutter gets in the way of our day-to-day experience. The more mental clutter we have, the less time we feel we have.

It's getting late ... maybe I'll write more on this later ... must get some sleep now ...

These are a few of my fear-evoking things ...

Before I start expounding on my bleak topic, here's a pic of my darling boy at his 3rd birthday party, with a few of his friends.



Now on to more serious matters. I'm afraid of ...

- institutions (or rather getting trapped in one)
- authority figures
- anybody older than me
- dull useless events and meetings
- dull chores and tasks (that they'll be endless and get the better of me)
- not being productive
- being too self-absorbed to respond caringly to those around me
- being selfishly motivated and consequently acting to the detriment of others
- making bad decisions
- pain

I think that's about it for now. That list is just off the top of my head. It seemed like a good exercise.

I surprised myself with the "anybody older than me" thing. I think that fear is rooted in the way my parents seemed to believe that age made somebody "right", and everybody younger "wrong". I've got a weird belief now that anyone older than me could very possibly be like a despotic military dictator who will use their age to justify tyrannizing me. Really weird belief indeed. Maybe now that I've had this epiphany, I won't be afraid any longer, of older people.

Anyway, must dash ... duty calls ...

Why We Do What We Do

Paul: "Did you have the father you needed?"
Gina (breathes in sharply, then laughs curtly): "I'm a therapist. What do *you* think?"
(from "In Treatment" Series 2, Episode 25)

A quarter into 2011 ...

2011 is going to be a big year for me ... I can feel it ... I've felt it right from New Year's. But we're almost a quarter of the way through and though it feels as though loads of things are shifting, nothing big, concrete or tangible has happened yet.

I've started going to Artist Development workshops in earnest, and am starting to get an idea of what I need to do to get my music out ... Unfortunately, most of these workshops are near Middlesborough, about an hour-and-a-half drive away. But this is important!!

A couple of weeks ago, I went to a talk by Juan Paz, of Music Ally. He's emigrating to Colombia soon apparently, to head up an EMI division there. He asked each person in the workshop to introduce him/herself and to say what they wanted to get out of the workshop.

I said (laughingly) that I hoped I'd find out in the workshop what I needed to do to get onto "Later with Jools Holland". And Juan rolled his eyes, as if I'd just said something silly, and not very amusing or useful. Perhaps he didn't mean it. And I suppose facilitating a workshop like that comes with pressure. But regardless, I was so unimpressed with his response. He's got his own agenda, his own interests, his own work, and came across (to me) as a bit jaded, a bit "I haven't really got much time for you people as individuals; I'll try to help you out as best as I can but you are all probably losers who are not going to make it in the music industry" ...

Perhaps this is a bit of a defense mechanism. Perhaps to make it in the music industry, one has to believe that one's own music and musical interests are extra special, and probably superior or more special than other people's music. Or perhaps it comes from being a "self-made man" ... of having by sheer dint of hard work pushed bands through from the masses of anonymity and poverty to the realms of acclamation and economic sustainability. Perhaps this experience makes him scorn the masses of artists clamouring to do the same, and of course he realises that many artists will never break through.

Or maybe it's just an unfortunate vibe that he gives off without meaning to, and once you get to know him, maybe he's actually not as dismissive and patronising as he seems in person.

I really don't know. And I'm not going to find out.

My gut tells me not to bother getting in touch with Mr Paz to follow up on the workshop. He may be super skilled at digitally marketing new acts, and helping them get noticed, but that's nothing to me if he has no conviction in my music or in me.

Saying that makes me feel surprisingly cheerful! Roll on 2011 ... let's get the tunes out!!

A Joyous New Year

At the moment my emotions are running high. I feel crazy grateful, happy, appreciative. I feel deeply touched by small, sweet gestures. Thoughtfulness. Kindness. And these things are like warm snuggly secrets that I can cradle close to myself, nuzzle my face into them, breathe them in.

If my life were a picture, it would be raining flowers.

It's been a tough year. But tough isn't necessarily bad. Where will this path lead in 2011 ... ? Blessings to you and blessings to me ... may good things grow in our world today, tomorrow, in the New Year.

And of course, for an extra measure of joy and beauty, here's a pic of the darling boy, taken this morning :-)

Keeping my baby warm ...

Two winters ago, when KO was only 7 months old, I bought him a red Columbia Powder Down bunting. Down-filled and cosy warm, with the option to fold over flaps at the hands and feet, it kept him perfectly comfortable no matter how cold it got outside. He was a rather large 7 month old, so I bought him the 24 month size. Perfect. He didn't even need boots/shoes or mittens. I just folded over the foot flaps and hand flaps.



He wore it the following year, comfortably. And he's still wearing it this year ...! KO is a bit small for his age, and with mittens and boots, the suit is just perfect ... I think it will just last this winter. Three years of wear ... not bad!

I've just ordered an O'Neill electric blue all-in-one snowsuit for next year. I like to have things ready before they're needed ... I don't like to shop under pressure. This suit is 100% polyester, but there's no reason that shouldn't be as warm as down. I've got a steaming warm Killy ski jacket which is 100% synthetic ... super waterproof, breathable, lightweight ... pity it's extremely hideous. But the O'Neill suit isn't! One thing's for certain ... as long as I'm still deciding what KO wears, he'll be comfortably warm, whatever the weather. Bring on the snow!

Lady Luck

There's a weird popular belief about people who "make it" in the music industry ... and it's this: that people who "make it" are just lucky. They happen to be in the right place at the right time, and lucky them, they get to be successful or famous or have a hit or whatever.

I come up against this belief all the time. But it's no coincidence that most people who have "made it" do not hold this belief.

Sure, there are a few cases of people who happen to be playing in some obscure venue, and a "talent scout" happens to be there, and based on the one gig, magicks up an amazing record deal worth millions and presto, the person is a star practically overnight. Oh wait ... no ... I don't think there are any cases like that, actually. So where does this fairytale come from and why do so many people believe it?? Not only do they believe it, but they believe it with a passion.

When I tell people that I'm a musician, aiming to be a pop star ... or at least commercially successful in some other music-related way (like publishing), people often say, "But don't you think that that to make it in music you just have to be lucky ...?" And I reply, "I think it actually takes commitment, hard work, and talent. And possessing the required skills for the journey helps." And that really gets people very worked up!

Why is it so important to people to defend this idea that successful musicians are just "lucky"? I think it's for the same reason that people feel a need to believe that the world somehow makes sense ... that there is an order and reason to it ... that the rich are rich and the poor are poor, and there is not a heck of a lot that can be done about that, as it's all down to "luck" mainly.

People are scared to take personal responsibility for what is going on in the world, and even what is going on in their own lives. They find the idea that actually, anybody could become rich or famous just by choice (commitment and the resultant action), very frightening. In the same way that they find it very frightening to believe that any particular individual (like Mother Teresa or Gandhi) could personally have a vast and profound impact on countless human lives.

I'm not talking about control. I'm talking about personal choice and responsibility. Obviously I can't wave a wand and simply have my dream music career in full bloom instantly. But I can take responsibility for my own career, and I can put in the work required to make that happen.

Taking responsibility is not a very sexy idea in today's day and age. I find that strange as taking responsibility is such a personally empowering thing. And power is thought of as very sexy. But maybe, again, that's about control ... maybe it's a controlling power that people think of as sexy. And as I said, this is not about control. This is about personal empowerment to not blame others, and circumstances for one's own life and the state of the world.

Think about it, if I were to believe that no matter what I did, no matter how hard I worked, my career was entirely up to "luck", how disempowering would that be? How demotivating? People who believe that create a self-fulfilling prophecy as they inevitably don't do the work they need to make things happen. And they quit too early. They wait around hoping for something "lucky" which never happens.

Well, that's not me. I can't say just yet how long it's going to take, but I'm going to get my music out ... big-time ... if you want to help, you can join my facebook or twitter, and you can tell your friends about it!

My facebook: www.facebook.com/LeeSunMusic
My twitter: www.twitter.com/LeeSun

Anyway, will close this thought with a quote by Marianne Williamson (which is often incorrectly attributed to Mandela):

"Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure."

And of course, a recent pic of my darling boy to bring you joy ...

Carrots, celery and onions ... MAGIC!

My friend Gaelle and I went grocery shopping yesterday. She picked up a couple of bags of Chantenay carrots, exclaiming with delight how tasty they were. And she said, "Oh I'll have to get some celery too!"

I said, "Celery?? What do you do with it?"

In her ever so proper English accent (with occasional subtle French inflections) she replied, "When you're making soup or other dishes, you can use carrots, celery and onions ... chop them up ... put them together ... it's MAGIC!"

That is exactly the sort of tip that I need when it comes to cooking ..... I didn't need any persuading ... I picked up some carrots, celery and onions straight away. Today I chopped up this magical combination, stir-fried it till cooked, added some pasta sauce, and had it with spaghetti. It could've done with some mince ... otherwise, Gaelle was right ... MAGIC!!

I wish I'd known this secret when I was a student.

Anyway, did a trial photoshoot with a friend today ... in sub-zero temperatures ... it was so cold that her camera started seizing up and wouldn't focus properly. Cameras are sometimes like people. Here's a photo from today's shoot.